I’m sometimes amazed by how we think we know, while in reality we have absolutely no clue what’s going on. We presume things based on what we see, what we’re told and how we feel, and then it turns out they are completely different out there in the real world. We take hints from people and situations, but we take them wrongly. Sometimes we even think wrongly, our logic is out-of-place and we make mistakes. And sometimes, even when reasoning perfectly and taking everything into consideration, something there was no way you could’ve known of just appears and all of your calculation gets shattered in the matter of seconds.
Sometimes you do everything right, but things turn out wrong anyway.
Don’t think I’m amazed in a good way. This is very, very bad. Yes, there are things we can’t control and that does not disturb me – well, it does, but it’s not what I meant. That’s not the subject here. I’m talking about those we can and do control. There’s a vast amount of what we influence without even knowing it, and even more of what we can influence, but don’t see the way to. And so often it happens that the way is right in front of us, but we’re blinded by searching, thinking, by expectations, by pressure, by musts – personal as well as other people’s. We miss the right turn, sometimes even the obvious turn, and why? Afterwards, when we see things for what they really are, very few of us can actually answer that question.
Said that she was confused, I thought, darling, join the club… [Pearl Jam, Untitled]
What comes – or, better, what is left – afterwards, after we realize that the world in our heads was so very far from the one outside? Well, disappointment. Not so much in others, but firstly in yourself, for not foreseeing or at least expecting the harsh reality. And another cheeky feeling, like something very blunt and painful is being shoved into your stomach.
Truth hurts, doesn’t it?
Yes, it does. And it’s not the kind of pain removed by aspirin. It’s the pain of a colossal unpleasant surprise.
When it all comes down, you feel like an idiot.
I cheated myself, like I knew I would… [Amy Winehouse, You Know I’m No Good]
You feel like an idiot mostly because you should have known better. And you know the truth now and you’ll deal with it and everything will work out, but you should have known. And that’s the most disappointing fact of them all: whoever or whatever it was, they played you like a little child. Or at least you feel played enough to stare bluntly at the space in front of you, not knowing what you ought to do, feeling like every next move might be another giant step towards the lie.
What you’re forgetting is that, this thing you’ve just found out, this fact, this truth that hit you in the head and is now laughing at your hurting face – this is a lesson. And if you’re reasonable enough, you’ll learn it, along with the real state of things. The moment the truth hits you in the head, that’s the moment you stop living the lie. And it’s always better to know than to not know.
What should come out of everything is you, slightly new, slightly different, taking a lesson and using it as good as you can; you’re hurt, but you’ll heal. And you’ll get hurt again, and it’ll hurt a little bit less, and you’ll get out of that healed and slightly new. That’s the way it goes. You can’t blame yourself for not knowing, because you’re not guilty of not knowing everything. The best you can do in any situation is to study it and make an image of your own, and that’s what you did. Your image was as close to truth as you could form it. So what’s the reason to blame yourself and feel stupid? Nobody is perfect. No person knows everything. Everyone makes mistakes. You’d be surprised how harmless your mistake is, compared to some of the others.
It takes some time to heal, that is true. Take that time and do what you can to cut yourself some slack. Relax. Do what you love. Don’t be harsh on yourself. It’s not like you did it on purpose. You made a mistake, it’s your mistake, make peace with it and move on.